Psychological Manipulation at Home or at Work : are you being Played ?

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“I have to remember it is not love that has hurt me ; but someone who could not love me in the right way.” ― R. YS Perez

Do you feel something’s “off” in a key relationship ? That you’re being controlled, pressured to do things you don’t want to do – or to do them in a certain way ?

Or that you’re doubting and questioning yourself a lot more than you used to ?

Chances are someone is pulling your strings – and not with good intent, either.

Psychological manipulation can occur in any close relationship — it’s most common in intimate relationships, between partners or, to a lesser degree, with parents. But it can also occur at work where one person has (or seeks) power over another.

If you feel uneasy about a relationship, it’s important to understand its dynamics, so you can navigate it and, if necessary, protect yourself.

What‘s Going On ?

Psychological manipulation is when Mind Games are used to control a relationship. There’s a secondary goal too : to undermine, confuse & bring down the targeted person.

These tactics sit at the core of emotionally abusive relationships – and of bullying behaviour.

The signs can be subtle, they come and go, and the people who use them are highly skilled.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Psychological Manipulation

1. Information Gathering : wanting to know ALL about you

Manipulators often start out with flattery. They’ll show lots of interest in you, ask lots of questions – some light, some deep & probing.

You’ll find yourself opening up because it makes you feel interesting, even fascinating.

Yes, this can also be the hallmark of a socially skilled person. But manipulator’s questions have an agenda.

They’re gathering up all your insecurities & vulnerabilities — not to support you, but to use them against you when it suits them.

2. Inconsistency : keeping you Guessing

The game is to keep the ground moving under your feet : to lift you up, then dump you down.

Rinse and repeat. So you’re never sure when you’re in favour — or not.

In a relationship, for example, you’ll be criticised or treated badly, then given an extravagant birthday present (that they’ll want you to tell others about).

It’s not because they’re generous or want to make up ; it’s to confuse you. What’s going on ? Are they good or bad ? Do they love me or not ?

3. Guilt-Tripping : making you Prove your love

This is where you’re coerced into proving your love or devotion by doing things for them, like do chores or favours or take on extra work/hours.

The manipulator often takes the victim role, making you seem like the bully or assailant or just plain Difficult.

In families, you’ll hear lines like: “how could you do that to me ?” or “if you really loved me, you would…” or, in a work scenario, “if you really wanted to get ahead, you would…”

4. Blaming : inferring their Wrongs are YOUR Fault

When you protest against a hurtful or stinging comment, a manipulator will indicate you’re too sensitive, over-reacting, or you’ve lost your sense of humour. 

Wow, someone got out of bed on the wrong side today ! It was only a joke … I didn’t think you’d take it that way. Calm down ! You’re making way too much of this...

This causes you to doubt your own reactions — and to wonder if you really are making too much of a fuss.

It’s confusing : you lose your emotional radar as to which of their comments or actions needs or deserves a reaction.

And you lose your ability to judge the emotional intensity required.

5. Personal Attack : Targeting things you Can’t change

The best manipulators will keep you on a leash (and your anxiety humming) with a series of low level jabs.

But when they want to take it up a notch, they’ll go after your personality, traits that are more inbuilt than learned. 

This is an intriguing one, because there’s often no truth in it at all : whatever aspect of you the manipulator targets is often a projection of their true self & own personal insecurities !

6. Silence Treatment : making you Guess what’s going on

A classic control tactic. The silent treatment, ignoring or withdrawal is used to increase your anxiety over whatever it is you’re supposed to have done wrong, so you become almost desperate for a reaction from them.

They’ll vary the time of each “withdrawal” so you’ll never know how long they’ll take to come out of it.

Manipulative bosses will tend to give you little attention or cancel meetings with you (then reschedule them for when they know it doesn’t suit you) or pretend they are super-busy.

Then they’ll emerge as though nothing ever happened – so you’ll look foolish if you raise it !

7. Gaslighting : Forcing you to question your Sanity

Gaslighting (which takes its name from the 1938 British play Gas Light) is the oldest trick in the manipulation handbook.

The manipulator methodically sows the seeds of doubt, causing their target to question their reality : their memory, perception & judgement:

Did I imagine it ? Am I overreacting ? Am I the troubled one ? Am I losing my mind ? It can start small but, over time, it can severely erode your ability to navigate daily life.

What to do ?

If you find yourself in a business or personal relationship with someone who uses these tactics, wise up. Because if you’re exposed to it for a long time, you’ll pay a hefty psychological price. Here are some things to think about.

* It’s not You

Gather evidence for their treatment of you and then seek outside validation that you are not imagining or to blame for it. Because you’re not.

* Don’t expect an Apology or a Change in behaviour

It’d be great BUT you won’t get it. Or, if you do, it won’t be genuine. It will be something they do to get the next thing they want.

* Don’t try to Play them at their own Game

They will win. They’ve been doing this a long time. They may have been honing their tactics since childhood so they are good – very, very good. So let go the temptation to play the game.

* Set Boundaries for your Health & Safety

Boundaries and hard lines are important, especially if you need to maintain the relationship for family or other reasons.

Beyond setting boundaries, you may need coaching from a trusted party to stick to them.

* Sometimes the best Strategy is the Exit Door

You’ll know this yourself and, if you’re confused, seek professional help with making a decision and a plan.

Don’t let things drag on too long because you’re compromising your health, identity and future.

* Know things will get Better

That’s what you have to hang onto as you seek to change your situation.

It’s not easy, but it’s true. Life on the other side can be good, better, even truly great. Aim for that. “

Source : https://medium.com/on-the-couch/the-7-deadly-sins-of-psychological-manipulation-cdbf61d7e879